So you’ve gained a couple of pounds…

**WARNING** This post contains a lot of numbering. I was feeling list-y.

This post was originally inspired by a status update that my cousin posted today. I couldn’t let it go and now it’s grown into something I had to rant about. But, since I was in the shower while this rant was growing, I couldn’t get it out onto my computer…and it kept growing and eventually branched off. I may have to write another post today to cover the branch.

Anyway, my cousin posted this earlier today.

 “When did I get fat? U all don't even know. I can't find anything to wear without showing a roll. Time to starve myself and work the beep out.”

Some things you need to know about The Cuz :

1. She has always been incredibly skinny except in one key area. Which tends to make other women insanely jealous. But that’s only because they do not understand the pain of being skinny with epic breasts. Being skinny sucks. (That is the branch I was talking about. More on it later.) Having big boobs sucks. Are there worse things? Yes. But they don’t pertain to my rant so for now they don’t exist.

2. She’s not really the kind of girl to go around whining on her Timeline about crap just to get attention and compliments. She’s not that girl. (And if she is, I owe her an apology.)

Eighty percent of the responses she received basically told her that her feelings were unjustified. Four out of five people told her that what she was feeling was wrong. Can you believe that? What kinds of friends do that? Oh, right, the kind that think they’re being helpful. That fifth person that didn’t invalidate her was me and I’m pretty sure I’m now the bad guy because of it.

I’ve been in this position before. I’ve made the mistake of posting about weight gain and loss on Facebook before. For the most part all of the responses I received were crap about how I didn’t need to lose weight, I was already skinny, blah blah blah. That’s nice I suppose. But it made me feel like no one gave a crap about what I was feeling, what I wanted, or what I was trying to accomplish. I thought friends were supposed to be supportive. Supportive does not mean trying to deter someone from a goal or trying to convince them that the goal isn’t even there. Yes, I know I’m not overweight. But if I’m feeling fat because all of my favorite clothes refuse to button, please don’t tell me that I’m not. Because my mirror is telling me that I look like a stuffed sausage in the jeans that my fingers are sore from trying to force the zipper on. And to me, that means I’m fat.

Now, I kind of understand the people trying to tell her she’s not fat. Because by American standards, she’s not. Even if she’s gained ten pounds from the last time I saw her, I can guarantee that her BMI is still well within the Normal range. (I just cut a piece of that branch out of here. Oh ADD rantings, how do I love thee.) So no, she’s not fat. She probably shouldn’t have used that word in her status update. But semantics is not an excuse to invalidate feelings. In her world view she is fat, and so you need to respect that.

What really burrowed under my skin though was the one chick who told her that being fat was okay, that those rolls were earned with motherhood. EXCUSE ME?? WHAT THE #^($? Giving birth to a kid is not an excuse to get fat! (Branch trimming again!) Aside from the complete falseness of that thought, The Cuz gave birth over four years ago. If weight gain was because of the pregnancy, it would have happened five years ago. GAH!!!

So anyway I’ve created a handy set of lists.

OKAY FOR STATUS UPDATES  - The key here is to not say you’re fat or seem like your complaining too much and /or feeling bad about yourself. All that will get is sympathy and people telling you how perfect you are. Try to come across as health conscious.

   1.   I’ve been slacking at the gym and gained a few pounds. Better get back to my routine.

   2. The Easter Bunny’s leftovers have been hell on my waistband; none of my jeans fit. Better buy less next year.

   3. I can’t afford a whole new bigger wardrobe! Guess I better be more diligent about my health.

NOT OKAY FOR STATUS UPDATES – Anything that sounds like you feel crappy about yourself. That will just get all your uber nice and/or overweight friends riled up and start a flood of responses about how perfect you are.

   1. I’m fat!! No more eating for me!

   2. I hate how I look! Maybe I’ll go get a gym membership.

   3. I gained five pounds. The world is ending.

OKAY RESPONSES TO POSTS -  What you want to aim for is supportiveness.

   1. I’m not an airline; I don’t put weight restrictions on my friends. Wanna go hang out this weekend?

   2. Congratulations on losing x lbs! I’m glad you reached your goal and now feel as beautiful as I’ve always thought you were.

   3. I put on a few pounds too, want to hit the gym together?

   4. I’ve been using this app/diet/supplement/trainer to lose weight. I’d be happy to give you some tips that worked for me.

NOT OKAY RESPONSES TO POSTS - Your opinion is not at the center of this debate, your friend’s is; please keep that in mind.

   1. You’re not fat! Your entire wardrobe is lying to you, let’s go rack up a credit card and replace it!

   2. Being fat is totally okay!! Ignore those health risks like heart disease and diabetes, it’s all lies.

   3. Why were you trying to lose weight? I liked you better when you were a bigger. (I seriously got this exact response once. The weight he was talking about had me firmly in the Overweight BMI category. 170lbs at 5’2” is NOT okay.)

   4. I hate you for losing weight! I’ve been trying for years and failed every time. You suck!

Have we all learned a little something today? Try being a supportive friend, I can guarantee your friends will like you for it. Even if the person posting is the kind that’s just looking for attention, try to respond with something helpful instead of just platitudes. Empty words get you and them nowhere. But if you offer support, a shoulder to lean on, an open ear, or advice, you’ll actually be making a positive change in some one’s life. Would you rather your friend starve themselves skinny or change their eating habits to become healthier? Would you rather watch your friend lose their eyesight to diabetes or go to the movies with them when you both have grandkids? Would you rather watch their ass get progressively wider or firmer? Help your friends to make healthy choices at the same time as making them feel good about yourself. The rewards will last much longer that way.